cayuse ranch

Hello
i� cooked delicious fried rice for myself today. Iapos;m on a quest to improve my wifely instincts.because iapos;ve been inspired by the many potential mothering people around me and decided i want to be like them.

iapos;m starting to think that coming on an exchange is actually healthy for myself. Iapos;m learning alot. Far more than i would be if i was stuck in pressure cooker s g.. Not just the studying part, but to be away from all the negativity of my home and mum..

here, i focus so much on survival n these days, travelling plans, studies (well not really) and friendship. I hvn been thinking abt sad sad past.

well anyway, what can i say?
alot has happened in recent times and iapos;m going for a one week trip to m a dr id and pa ris next week. Itapos;s an oc to ber break...

i honestly think iapos;m learning alot about myself. Discovering. I wonder how far i can improve.
because i really want to. And i really want to love n be loved. I want to find a boy friend. I mean DUH. But here, u are so free-because u happily neglect your studies-that u can think abt what to cook for dinner and when you can find a good boyfriend.

y f has found herself suddenly in the role of a girlfriend and having had her first kiss stolen. She totally skipped the whole dating and wooing part. So all this happened in the span of one week since the pi sa trip that sheapos;s kind of pissed.

h is her boyfriend n the way he confessed to her appalled all of us.

ah wells.

what else is new?

ohh i have been told twice by two different guys the same thing at different times apos;miss youapos; and apos;youapos;re the bestapos; and ok.. Under the same scenario, it all happened after i put in quite alot to teach them with homework.

the guy here recently called me asking if he could get my help again, like meet him to study. I couldnapos;t say no and he said i could go to his place which isnapos;t in a mster dam but 20 minutes away n he would go to train station to pick me up n he also offered to pay for the train ticket. But BEING�ME, i declined his offer la.

i also duno why. I duno if iapos;m being made used or not. I dun tink so.

however, i always feel that guys are only nice to me because they want something from me. Because iapos;m unable to express affection n appeal in the normal feminine motherly or nurturing way. U know the typical way a girl is supposed to attract a guy.

hence the only way i can do it is unromantically, helpfully, practically. Almost paternistically. I wonder if this is the cause of the fate where i find a guy who is not gd enough, whom i feel like iapos;m giving more in the relationship than him. Because he relies on me in such a way.

oh god. I dun wan that you know. But i can suddenly see links between my behaviour and the not so near future that was forecasted.

why am i like that? so unaffectionate? so afraid to be loved by guys and to show my love for them?

i need to change n stop feeling uncomfortable with guys. I should open up........ I know.

oh yeah and during the pi sa trip, 2nd night, the 3 of us slept in the same bed with y f in the middle. I duno if h was drunk as he kept wanting to talk about himself n his family, even as we wanted to sleep. N he asked me abt myself. Y f had slept already. So i told him what i hadnapos;t been telling people in a year. The stuff abt my father etc.

he decided to talk abt his family secret as well. N u know, he is quite a delicate person. So he ended up crying. And telling me to forget everything. How awkward was the atmosphere man.

okies i forgot to mention what he said to me before y f fell asleep. He told me that i didnapos;t know how to attract boys. And i needed to in order to find a good husband and good boyfriend. And in order to do that, i had to change my character, be kinder, less self centred. (perhaps iapos;m not v nice to guys. Though i can dare say i am not self centred n unkind towards girls)

after that, h asked me if i was ok.

obviously i wasnapos;t. Haha, but iapos;m over it now.

-
though i guess that will be on my mind for some time. What can be worse than a guy telling you that you canapos;t attract boys???

-
then today k talked to me. The past few times i talked to him he didnapos;t reply.
n he didnapos;t wish me happy bday.

anyway i had jus cooked my tasty dinner so i got really happy to share my achievements and sent him my proud pictures.

after that i ended up telling him abt y f and her horrible first kiss+ confession. I wanted to see what a guy thought. Hmm he didnapos;t offer what i� think is v useful guyapos;s perspective on that matter hahha.

then after that he asked me what abt me? did i have anyone who was interested in me too? i was like nooo haha.
then i said i still hadnapos;t finished with my story on y f n h. (oh yeah if u want the scoop, email me and iapos;ll email u the conversation on the story because i canapos;t keep telling everyone the same thing. V tiring. Heh)

anyway, i was also chatting with y f on another window. So i copied bits n pieces of my convo with him to her window, so it could shed some light on why h behaved the way he did.. But of course, since k dindapos;t say anything vvv useful, she ended up saying he was v cute. Cos the discussion k n i had led to k telling me abt his fren who didnapos;t like being kissed by her bf and being v violent, would most prob beat her bf up if he kissed her.

hmms, then after that he asked me if i found anyone i liked here. I forgot abt spa nish hottie but y f reminded me. So i told k abt spa nish hottie, apos;very tall. Very handsome.apos;

k said, apos; goafter himapos;
i told him i dun like him. Jus tink he is goodlooking but sp anish hottie is an actor. And iapos;m his fan.

k said why?

ok, besides lacking the courage, a less embarrassing reason to cover up my inadequacy in attracting boys and the obvious lack of feminine charm was to push the blame to the guy. So i said, apos;he is a playboyapos;

then k laughed n said then what type of guys do i like. He would help me look out in s g.

........

by then, h c called so i was half talking to her, half talking to y f n complaining to her abt what k said, n talking to k. I was multi tasking n being v bad at it.

h c suggested i list out all the things he had done for me. Y f suggested me sayin apos;no one, youapos;re the best. apos; and pretend it was a joke.

BUT AS YOU KNOW, I CANapos;T CANapos;T CANapos;T do that.

so i said, apos;not playboyapos;

like what a lame ans. H c said apos;vagueapos;

k said, apos;thatapos;s all?apos;

so i reluctantly said apos;caringapos;

i tink i was starting to hide again as usual. So i added sweet, affectionate

i duno why i couldnapos;t have elaborated more..or at least be more frank abt what ireally like in a guy.

perhaps i wanted to be taken seriously.

he said, apos;like korean guy?apos;

anyway the conversation led to an abrupt end. First with me deciding again to open up and so typing one large chunk of words.

n then his reply was apos;ok i am tired already. Going to slpapos;

n he just went offline.


-
so how?
u tell me.

i should just give up right.

i canapos;t find any guy who was nicer to me than he was. And that is why, i keep thinking he is the best. Which obviously leads to me still holding on to something that has long been gone (i think).

-

but i really feel. If anything. I only want to be with him n like him n get to know him better. Thatapos;s all. Perhaps currently, in the face of so many love confidance amongst all of us gals, n being so free to do anything, i have been putting much thought n feelings into wanting to find someone more than before.

i know how it is like in sin ga po re. Busy. No time to think. Honestly, do we have to wait till we are 30 to work on our charm? and attracting boys? isnapos;t it too late? shouldnt we start now? when half the world has already gone through it?

cheapest memory foam mattresses, cayuse ranch, cayuse tribe, cayuse tribes.